Stephanie Sjoberg

I was having lunch with my cousin, and we are the same age. Obviously, I’ve known him my entire life, so really neither of us has a filter at this point. We will literally discuss anything.

Our lunch time conversation revolved around his sex life, my sex life, (our sexual frequency numbers are a lot, lot higher than most…just sayin) other family and friends and their sex lives, marriages, problems …as well as politics, religion and all the other crap you’re not supposed to discuss with people.

Computer workings are pretty much his livelihood, so of course we discuss the perils of online dating and trolling through people’s trash online. Recently, a man had sent me a long love letter of sorts on LinkedIn.com of all places, and it was my cousin who made me aware that there is a sexual subculture in existence on about every mainstream site.  I was not aware of this.  Silly me, I’d thought Linkedin was strictly a professional networking site.  I’d later realized that my cousin was correct in his theory, because I’d seen a documentary on the topic of Sugardaddy.com, and it was stated that Linkedin was a good site for women seeking financially beneficial relationships to seek out certain types of men. Who knew?

My cousin and I can both do business in the street at will, so we’ve never been the type to need to go online to look for a date, playmate, wife, husband, partner, insignificant other, etc. He’s very good looking and I do ok for myself.   I can barely walk through the grocery store with out falling in love or meeting a freak from hell.  So I don’t need to go online to find problems. He has been married forever so he’s never really been in the market anyway for years, however he lives vicariously through the escapades of his friends.  I am the girlfriend that constantly preaches to my friends about the woes of dating men online, so they won’t even bring it up anymore because they all hate to hear me say I told ya so.  

I am a lover of psychology, and love to know what makes people tick.  I was married before (if you can call it a marriage) to a man with a lot of emotional baggage and issues with internet dating, phone sex and after years of researching these issues, I get totally freaked out by any man that is into computer relationships or online meetups.  People have a tendency to get addicted to the rush or the thrill and high of meeting a new prospect.  Because of this,  a man will meet a girl, begin dating and sleeping with her, because that’s the world we live in now…and she will be shocked when she discovers that he is still meeting others online behind her back.  They don’t get it.  It’s the rush they are addicted to sometimes. Girlfriend, you and your sex can’t fix that.

As we were lunching, my cousin mentioned to me, the ashleymadison.com site for married people who want to remain married, but just want to screw other people. (His terms.) He claimed that if I got online, that it would be a full time job just filtering through the requests and emails from the married or attached men in our zip code alone.   I immediately decided that this would be a perfect blog post.

I told my husband about my idea for a blog post on the Ashley Madison site later that week. Fortunately, I am not married to a man that trolls around on the internet and it freaks him out (unlike the last person I was married to) so he agreed to let me set up a profile. Out of problems that we may have, sex certainly is not one, and he knows my strong dislike for internet shenanigans.  He is relatively sure that I’m not tempted to go meet one of these men for random sex, supports my blog, so he was ok with it.  He knows me.  I could be bad all day long if I want, I don’t need the internet for that.

Within less than 24 hours, I’d had over 300 attempts from men to communicate in my area of town. I’d used a photo with my face partially blocked out.  However, if I like you, I can let you into my private key area, in which my face was fully visible.  I let a couple of the men see me so they would trust who I was and that I was real.  As I forced myself to thumb through the photos and emails…I’d only come across two out of the 300 that I would be remotely interested in.  I overlooked the photos and emails from men who took bathroom selfies of what they thought was a highly marketable six pack.  There was even a naked penis or two, which, while we are on the topic…this is not a turn on.  My friends and I were recently discussing our perspective on the male anatomy, and basically…it’s better left to the imagination. A good arm and chest area is visually pleasing, but please…no penis shots. Ugh. We don’t like it.

Both men were in their 50’s, and super hot, however both were married and the sexual desires listed were far above my pay grade.  I don’t want to tie you up, role play, beat you, let you rough me up or promise to not get emotionally involved.  Further, I probably do not meet the physical requirements of really long hair, petite, muscular build, mid 20’s, blah blah blah.

Additionally, because my membership was free…the system automatically emailed men on my behalf, which engaged me with people I’d had no interest in chatting with in the first place.

I did end up chatting briefly and exchanging emails with my two acceptable, older men.  One, with an amazing 6’4 physical presence,  ended up giving me his email which contained his real name.  How do I know? Because anyone who knows me knows that I am a total psycho and I investigate anyone and everyone. Of course, there his photo was on LinkedIn.com and he was an extremely successful man, working for a great company, with a fabulous paycheck and amazing new home. I know this because I Googled his address.  I wanted a clear perspective of who he was in reality.   In his photos from the site, he’s initially struck me as a sex crazed, unemployed, older gym rat so I was shocked to see that professionally, he had it together. He was dressed up as a super hot Viking, for whatever reason. I kinda dig vikings. I guess he thought he was a viking fantasy of sorts.  Imagine my surprise to find out his professional life rocked. He fit the bill of what I would want a man to be if I were in the market, and ran into him at church or at the grocery store.

We chat, but I didn’t tell him I was writing an article about the site, however did mention that I was currently happy in my life and wasn’t looking for meaningless, empty sex.  I explained that I was simply curious.   If you knew me at all, you know that I got up on my soap box and…well…here’s one of our exchanges;

HIM:

Chemistry and connection are a funny thing. Either it works or it doesn’t. Sometimes I believe people are just so looking for it, they think they found it and it falls a part when a little time passes. One reason I am so determined not to look for or want it. If it happens for me it will be real. I’ve been married twice. First time I got married too young. We stayed together 9 years. Second marriage was 17 years. Long story but we tried swinging and it ultimately destroyed our relationship.

ME:

And as far as swinging goes…I can cheat all on my own, I would never allow my mate to be a part of that. I would hope my spouse would love me so much that he would rather die than see me with another man. sex is a way to connect and show love. it’s not a sport. i am sure you notice that when it’s a person who you do not care about, you have a depressing, empty feeling after wards. Sexually speaking, we have zero issues, I’ve trained him well.  He doesn’t cheat. He’s in love. So truly, I came on here NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING, but I love psychology and relationship type stuff is interesting so I was very interested that out of my 300 letters in 24 hours….that there was a normal-ish person or two on here. I have no bags, so I would just leave if I decided I needed to in the future.  I see on here, that a lot of men are trapped financially and emotionally in their lives.  I couldn’t live with myself sleeping with two different people and having to lie all the time. My gut tells me that you have not loved. Sex is not a game. No charge for my thoughts! LOL

Another chat with a different suitor went like this;

There is more to my little brief Ashley Madison connections, but you get the jest.  For a brief few hours, I’d had a relationship of sorts, with this man or that.  We shared our perspectives on marriage, sex, work life and balance.  They each became more normal to me as we emailed back and forth. They typically changed their tune a bit, about initially not wanting a relationship.  Everyone actually wants a relationship…just not with you! (So when a man says this, FYI…that’s what he actually means.)

What I took away from the few conversations I’d had with the men of Ashley Madison, and the profiles that I had read, there was one common denominator.  Men are lonely.  Sex is being used to fill a void and fulfill a person who is empty and desires a connection with another human being. They want to be listened to, touched, wanted. They might think they want crazy sex only…but the bottom line is always the same.

Too many times, I’ve heard the story of wealthy married men who invite a girl to travel with them for the weekend for companionship, while on a work week or weekend. The wife is home, content to let him live his life of travel alone, as long as the paychecks keep flowing in and her shopping can continue.  The men don’t always want or expect sex during the trip with the companion, because it is mainly  the loneliness they are trying to squash.

As for the Ashley Madison site, the men say the ladies online are mostly nothing they’d be interested in anyway, but that a hookup does happen here or there.  It’s thinly veiled, but each man is actually looking for a relationship.  They are trying to define the boundaries beforehand, but you never know what will happen when emotions get involved. One man admitted that his last two side chicks from online each lasted for 2 years.  I was supposed to be impressed and hopeful that I could be one of those 2 year side chicks.

It appears that the primary reason men use the Ashley Madison site, is to insure that they meet a woman that will not get attached and blow up the man’s life. The thinking is that if everyone has something to lose, then the odds of discretion are favorable.

I found that the men feel trapped and ignored in their marriages. This seems to be more so in the cases in which the woman doesn’t work. It appears that the initial expectation in these marriages, would be that there would be more spare time together and a better home life.  Instead, the wife involves herself in other things and the husband’s life is spent alone and on auto pilot. He feels like a paycheck. Unappreciated. Unheard.  There is literally zero connection and they do not feel appreciated.  Every single man on the planet wants to be heard, get close, be made to feel sexy, wanted and valued.

As the exchanges of emails continues, it becomes more and more clear, that sex is just the cover.  The men online are seeking friendship and desire…which is supposed to be a marriage relationship but I only know one man who has been married for 20 years that still has that in his relationship.  Every other man I know is deeply lonely.

If I was single again tomorrow, I will never be an online seeker of love, romance, sex…anything.  I’m old school. A random meet by chance is my preferred method.  That being said, I am glad I went online to investigate the whole ashleymadison.com thing, because I did learn something and I have a better understanding of men now more than ever.  It confirmed my recent discovery about married men.  The largest percentage of married men who cheat have a deep sense of loneliness. Yes, there’s sexual deviants, perverts and freaks but I am speaking of the generally well adjusted married man next door. Lonely.  Do I wish that every woman in my zip code would get online and troll around to see if her husband is playing around? Yes, but that’s the bitch in me. I do, though, feel a little sorry for all of the lonely men out there though and since I’ve been in a really crappy relationship before, I understand…a little.  The sex was terrible. When I tried to discuss it with him, he was so disconnected, he really didn’t care. Understand. Some people are just emotionally disconnected from previous incidents that may have occurred in their lives so speaking to them is like talking to the wall. In my case, I kept thinking it would get better, so next thing you know, you wake up and it’s 6 years later.  So I understand that sometimes, there is just nothing to work with at home.  The difference is that I am a fan of packing and leaving and men with entanglements and sucklings prefer to stick it out for financial reasons and play on the side.  It’s inconvenient to divorce, cut everything down the middle and break hearts.

When you break it down, there were already a ton of married men on dating web sites…so this site is really not too different other than the aspect of the men describing the sexual encounters they are hoping for and being a little more open about the fact that they are attached.  Shoot.  If you want to tie up a barbie person, role play, have no expectations and have discretion…I’m thinking you’re going to have to pay for that.  That’s what all the men I chatted with said…it’s very slim pickins as far as the ladies go on Ashley Madison.  If you’re hot and have any street value at all…a married man with home life drama is not looking like such a great opportunity.  Good luck to you fellas, if you’re on Ashley Madison.  The top of the line, Malibu Barbie with a super high sex drive you seek…won’t be interested in you and your personal drama.  Just sayin.

A turn off for me with the Ashley Madison site….well, one of the turn offs…was that I just tried to delete my profile and now they want $20 bucks just to allow me to delete myself.  Oh well, pretty sure they will delete me once they read my tiny little blog post.

-SDS

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