Stephanie Sjoberg

During the summer, bikini sightings are an expectation by the male human being.  Period.  Your husband will never tell you that he wants to go hang out at the hotel pool wit you in hopes of seeing what amounts to basically naked women.  But he does. They all do.  Sorry. Maybe you’re super fabulous naked, so he wants to show you off to the world as well.  A lot of my male friends often comment that they rarely see super hot model or playboy types at the pool.  There’s a reason for that…they rarely exist. The vast majority of people do not look fabulous naked in the glare of sunlight. We’ve ruined ourselves with magazines, movies and television shows that use soft lighting, photo shop and perfect angles so it’s really hard to compete with expectations set forth by fakery.  In light of this, I’ve never been one to hold a strong desire to go hang out at a public pool.  I feel that if you’re sleeping with me, then you’ve earned the right to see me naked.  Have I made it clear enough that I do not put great value on bouncing around naked in front of strangers, I just don’t.

That being said, I typically know far in advance if the daunting pressure of beach or pool occasions or vacations are coming, so I usually have time to prep and dump 15 pounds so I can feel more comfortable and I also choose clothing to cover with out looking covered, if that makes sense.

I saw a woman who was fully clothed at the pool, but was soaking wet in her  floor length pants and t-shirt as she waved to her child and husband that were in the pool. She ended up looking like the grandma instead of the wife. I don’t want to be naked pool lady, but I don’t want to be fully-clothed-in-the-pool prude woman either.

Speaking of day light….it is so harsh on the naked body.  Ugh. So, in a perfect world…a person loves you for the beautiful person that you are on the inside…yada yada.

On this particular week, we ended up on a quick jaunt and we knew we were going to unwind and share a cocktail at the pool area of our hotel.  My husband even made the statement as we packed to go…that he couldn’t wait to see me in a bikini. Huh?  I’m thinking to myself that he sees me naked pretty often so what’s the deal?  The deal is this…men are fed photos and movies of bikini women their whole lives.  It’s a fantasy.  Some girls and women thrive on every opportunity to sit in a string bikini with the general public because they feel the power involved. Me?  I just want to get through it, not look or feel too repulsive yet feel accepted by my mate.

Naked “fun” time for me, is at home, not in front of the universe. I wanted to let my husband feel relaxed and have a good time so I made up my mind to have fun and chillax.

Here is the lovely part.  We decided people just don’t look that fabulous naked.  They just don’t.  Possibly about 5% of society might…but the rest of us are just acceptable. I could tell that my husband was shocked that there were no super model types lounging around…but it was instead…regular people, to my relief.

As for me and my poolside fashion, I think I am a product of my mom.  She used to pull me out of school and we’d often fly to Miami to stay at the Fountainbleu Hilton. That was her hangout.  There were models, movie stars, ball players, International fabulous types and mom would always be drenched in her diamonds, big hair done, sandals with heels and fabulous swim suits and cover ups.  Yes, I’ve turned into her, minus the bipolar alcoholism.  I realize this the more I think about it.  She never once had on a t-shirt. Diamonds were for every day.

I threw together my poolside ensemble very quickly.  I am so glad that you can buy bikini tops and bottoms separately now, because the bottom half of my body is a small and the top is clearly not. A large, halter style bikini top gives structure to my upper body that a string bikini top just won’t.  The cover up was actually a top I purchased months ago which I had planned on using as lingerie.  It was perfect!  You’re in the required by law bikini, however covered up with just a peek of flesh showing through the lace. It is short and flirty, flowing in the breeze.

If you throw on some Mac Morange lip color, you immediately look as if effort was applied, and don’t mess with me about my hurr!  I just did my easy quadruple pony tail thing so it would be easy to maintain and I literally had the same hair later that night for dinner.  It may appear to be work, but it’s very low maintenance. Gucci sun glasses make up for a pale pool face ( and keep me from having to make eye contact with all the naked pool strangers) and of course my “Guido” style necklace that my husband gave me that used to belong to his father was perfect for pool glam in my book.  Honestly, if I’m wearing gold, I just keep it on, I’m not one to take of rings and necklaces and leave them around, my fear is losing them, so I just mainly keep jewelry on to keep from dealing with the stress of on again off again.

People, if I was swimming laps it would be different, but hotel pools are about relaxing and drinking and, in our case we had lunch poolside and enjoyed each others company.  It was cool that I ate a huge hamburger poolside, because my cover up hid the burger in my belly. I probably would have been much more comfortable taking photos before our burgers and beer…but it was sort of an after thought.

I’m not perfect. Like, at all.  So it’s a big deal to me to share this post.  But something happens as you get older…well, in my case anyway, I’ve learned to love myself and be happy!

-SDS