pure speculation

DATING and The OPTION PERIOD

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pure speculation, the option period, Stephanie Sjoberg, relationships, dating, men and dating, ending a relationship

In finance, the option period refers to a time frame in which the investor has a right to move forward with the transaction, however once the expiration date is reached, the option to move forward is over.  

Recently,  I responded to an email in which an old flame wanted to know “what happened to us? Things were great so why did it end?”  It had been years since we spoke because I would not answer his emails.  There was no point. But I’d gotten a new one, and finally felt removed enough to respond.  I’d kept it simple and explained that his option period had expired, so I moved on. 

 In that particular case,  after many years of friendship, I finally agreed to try and see how a romantic relationship would work, which was totally weird because we had been friends for so long.  I’d never realized how he’d felt and that he wanted more, (SIDEBAR:  THEY ALWAYS WANT MORE) and things happened that made me finally see that we should move forward…thus granting him an option period to see how it goes and if he would act according to the rules of my universe and seemed like the thing to do.  

 Ladies, this is the time frame in which he either chooses to respect the situation, you ,your feelings or else he tramQuotes-About-Relationships-Ending-And-Moving-On-8-311x300ples all over you and you close his option period down.  Goodbye. Peace out, bro. Good luck. You’re more grief than you’re worth. Bye, Felicia.

 I was blown away that he didn’t realize why I ran away and cut off all communication. (That’s what I do.)  I sort of feel that if you’re not going to respect me then you shouldn’t get to know me anymore.  I explained to him how he was granted an option period.  This was where he had the option to act right and respect the situation or risk letting the option period expire, and lose any future chance of moving forward.  In reality, I’d realized that he was still seeing a few different people and so I was done. That is an option period violation in a relationship.  I’d also become aware of some things he’d done to an ex of his, and it was a total turn off.  She was super sweet and crazy about him and he totally manipulated and hurt her.  

 He was shocked and didn’t realize that an option period was in effect on our relationship.  My bad.  I assume that men know this already.  If you do not get with the program, would you really think a relationship would continue? Unfortunately, women let men drag them around for years without commitment and creating constant stress and uncertainty so they really don’t realize that sometimes some of us do actually walk away.  I learned the hard way to not let anyone waste too much of my time, because I was married for 6 years to a person who was emotionally unwell and not a healthy person for me to be around.  If a relationship is hard on you emotionally and continues to challenge your mental health, then it’s best to leave.   The only thing I regret in life is that I’d wasted so much time trying to help a person who was not able to be well and have joy.  I didn’t find out the truth about his childhood issues until after being married, which of course effected his life deeply. And mine.  If I had known, I would have run.  The issues were so deep that my entire life was tainted.  (To all the friends that I ranted to daily during this time, thank you!)  I learned that I can not help and heal people of their emotional wounds and that they must do it on their own.  I surely don’t have time to burn with a person who won’t deal with their issues in an effort to move forward.

I literally was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress from the drama of this relationship. I had it for about a minute before I snapped out of it.  The worst part was that it’s not like I was ever deeply in love with the man.  (SIDEBAR: BEING IN LOVE IS DIFFERENT THINGS AND DEGREES TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE, HOWEVER ONCE YOU HAVE THE CRAZY OXYTOCIN-FILLED LOVE… YOU THEN REALIZE THAT YOU WERE JUST WASTING TIME BEFORE.) That’s a whole different topic though.

After the divorce, I sat in my house on a Sunday afternoon, and heard a knock at the door.  It was him. He came to apologize for everything.  Although it helped, you can’t get back the years you waste on a person who doesn’t value you.

 

 It is because of this instance, mainly that I suppose I developed an option period mentality.  Every single person I’ve ever been interested in, has come back. They all come back. They are all sorry. Regretful.  I try to be very open and honest about what I want, even in marriage so that I know that I have no regrets when I decide I’m done.   I bring this up now, because I found our email exchanges to be shocking.  I can’t believe he didn’t realize why I ended it, but also, it’s a common issue with friends and random females that I meet.  For some reason, conversations about men and relationships come up often and I always hear people talking about all their children they have with a boyfriend or simply that they’ve been dating a man for 3 to 7 years. Say what ?  Shoot.  If I’m dating a man for 3 years, believe me, I would also see anyone else that comes along I may fancy.  If you do not give me a commitment don’t expect one back.  Just sayin.  

I know plenty of females that struggled with terrible relationships for years and nothing ever really changed, and everyone looks back and wishes they had cut out earlier, myself included.  I’m not speaking about not getting along over finances or inadequate sex…I am talking about major, dealbreaker scenarios such as repeated cheating, gambling away the farm or abuse.

-SDS

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PURE SPECULATION: COUPLING UP on FACEBOOK…YES or NO?

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what do you think… SHOULD M

     This blog post stemmed from a conversation I had with friends last week about the big debate as to whether or not married couples should share a Facebook page.
 
     The different feelings that my friends had on this topic were expected,  depending on the type of person they were. Passive, head in the sand, don’t ask don’t tell types… of course didn’t want to see the benefits of such a move.  On the other hand…naturally jealous types thought it was a good idea.  These were not the kinds of answers I’d wanted.
 
     I supposed I’d wanted people to remove the emotion from the debate, look at the realistic benefits from such a Facebook union, and decide that even though it was quite possibly not needed in each of their cases at this present time due to overwhelming trust in their mates…I still felt they were missing the bigger picture.
 
     Looking strictly at the facts, research shows that Facebook is linked to more and more divorces, period.  It’s not that Facebook is an evil device set out to destroy relationships, it’s more the issue that people just suck and relationships are hard. In light of that reality, perhaps it is best to join as a united front and present your union to the world.
 
     In my case, my husband is not a huge fan of social media.  I opened his personal Facebook account, initially, so that he could operate a business Page from it and help keep in touch with his clients and share events.   
 
     He was not ever thrilled with the idea of his face and personal information being all over the internet, and still isn’t, but he sees the necessity in networking for business purposes.  I love this about him.  
 
     Once, shortly after I first set up the pages for him on Facebook, a woman sent him a private message.  She’d sent a few messages asking him how his life was, whether or not he was married, did she she him on a television commercial a zillion years ago, etc. 
 
     After finally remembering who she was, and that she was a girlfriend from ions ago… he told her that it wasn’t appropriate for them to be talking privately on line, and he asked her to no longer message him.   To be honest, it sort of freaked him out that a woman from a zillion years ago would bother to punch his name into the computer and seek him out.  What I’d noticed, was that she lived close by, she claimed to be happily married and that she only wanted to be friends. Hmmm. Of course, he may have reacted differently if Sofia Vegara or anyone even closely resembling her happened to contact him!
 
    My friend Jason recently got a message from an old girlfriend.  As we wondered what the true intent of her phone call was,  we arrived at only two scenarios.  He thought about it a minute and made me laugh so hard when he declared, “Well, basically an ex only wants two things when they look you up again after a long time.  Either they are interested and curious and have you on their mind or they actually are happy in their life, lost 100 pounds and want to show you how  happy and fabulous their life is.(This is the passive-aggressive eat shit and die scenario.)
 
    As for me,  my husband is very not jealous at all.  I have actually had a few men from the past attempt to contact me over the years.  I tell him about each one. He asks me if I am going to run away with them. I say no, not at this juncture. He laughs, and that’s it.
 
     The point is, no one really cares if you are married or not, because as we all know… how married are you is  variable depending upon the bait and there is also the old saying of…  if a person is going to cheat, then they are going to cheat.  It’s not about that.  I am talking about treating your marriage like a living, breathing entity worthy of respect.  
 
     I first got the notion about joint Facebook pages with your spouse, because of a woman I met.  As I was doing her makeup for a photo shoot, she was telling me about her life.  Eventually, she gets out her phone, shows me a photo of her husband, that she was so proud of, and asked to connect with me on social media.  
 
    I noticed later on, that she and her husband had a joint Facebook page.  At first, I thought it was weird.  Over time I began to see that it was an act of respect.  When you are married, you are supposed to hold it up in high regard. Cut off possible issues at the pass.  Not have a bullpen waiting to go in case things go south and new players will be needed in the game of life. You are supposed to be married as if it will be forever if you want the possibility of forever to be a reality.  Disclaimer;I am guilty of always planning an escape route because I have been divorced before so it is hard to think in terms of forever. You can plan for forever all day long, but you never know what the other person will do, so I have  tendencies towards always thinking in terms of what if?  
 
    I remember hearing of Sandra Bullock’s drama in which her husband, Jesse James, cheated on her with multiple women he’d initially met on social media. Sandra’s spouse had reportedly done what most cheating men do, which is tell the third party, “Oh the marriage is a sham, we are not really still together, we are separated, ” etc.   In her case, her husband was a sex addict, of which she was not aware, so he was going to cheat no matter what, however, social media played a part and helped to facilitate ease of connection. I can easily identify with Sandy’s situation, because I was married once to a man who hit on a waitress once and got her number, while I sat at our table ordering Sunday brunch. I later found out that he told her we were there meeting for lunch to discuss our pending “divorce.” The point is, I see how a couple can be married but one partner creates an appearance of  “well, we are together, but not really.”
     Because of people being so tricky,  I always warn friends who are meeting men with supposedly NO Facebook account.  Generally, this means the person is in hiding and is an internet “ghost” due to past drama.  Facebook has a way of “outing” you as being in a relationship, real or otherwise.  I tell single people all the time, ” Do you think you should be getting naked and rubbing all over some man that doesn’t even have you listed as a Facebook “friend?” That’s just stupid. 
      It happens to unsuspecting partners every day of the week. I know of married couples that are not even friends with each other on Facebook.  Married couples who do not have a “married to so-and-so” status declaration.  There are also many women I know who are dating and having sex with guys that they are not even friends with yet on Facebook.  (You know who you are.)  Obviously, you are willing to accept crumbs if you do not even get validated by being on a man’s friends list before getting naked with him.  The issue here, is that you do not know a person, until they are willing to really let you into their digital world, but that’s a whole other facet to social media etiquette.
 
      Due to having a few business pages on Facebook, we will probably keep everything as it is, since we bother have access to everything anyway. Our plan is to be married forever,and doing whatever it takes to make that happen, if we can manage this with out me killing him first.
 
     As for couples just getting married, I think it’s a great idea to have a conjoined Facebook account.  It certainly tells the world that you are a unit and together and certainly would thwart off unwarranted inappropriate contact with people of the opposite sex.  This isn’t a step for you, you say?  You don’t need or want to share passwords or join accounts? Well, recent research states that 22% of women admit to being unhappily married and in a sexless marriage. What this means to me, is that their husbands are having sex with other people. 
 
     Research indicates that cheating statistics rise every single year.  My feeling is that the internet is a facilitator. About 70% of married men and 60% of married women admit to having cheated on their spouse.  The main reason cited? Being unhappy sexually. So basically half of us are at risk.  By these numbers, one could assume that if you are not cheating, then your partner has or is.
 
     Men basically cheat for one of two reasons.  Either he is unhappy sexually in his marriage or he is unhappy and has esteem issues with himself which can manifest and present itself as a  sexual addiction, at which point nothing you can do will heal this person, the issue is within them.  Either way,  having a firm handle on each other’s electronic identity is surely a plus.  If your mate refuses to share his pass codes with you or join accounts, then Houston, you have a problem. Two thirds of women do not ever know they have been cheated on.  
 
     I’ve always had a deep passion for psychology and relationship studies.  My husband and I have both learned from divorce, so we try to make a conscious effort to avoid potential problems this time around. We have our status as “married” so if Chris Hemsworth looks me up and wants a date, he will find that I am taken.
      I have a short fuse, will not tolerate any dysfunction or insanity, that has been made clear and my boundaries of acceptance have been declared. I’ve been cheated on previously by a partner, so I know that of which I speak.  We refuse to become one of those couples that sleeps in separate bedroom, vacations without each othe, has disconnected social media accounts or lives in a sexless marriage. We want passion. Period.  When it comes to Facebook…it’s the new relationship identification card to the world, so I say, if you are married,empower yourself and control the social media in your household.  Make a decision to conjoin 100%, and yes, even your social media passwords.  To love totally is a decision.
 
     What do you think? Live and let live? Let the chips fall where they may? Your comments are welcome!
 
-SDS
-April 30, 2014
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PURE SPECULATION SERIES: THE STRIPPER AND THE BEEFCAKE

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      Some of  the things I do for a living cause me to spend a lot of time in front of the computer. I do social media work in my spare time for some small businesses, including our own.  For months, it’s felt as if I’ve not had a full day off and I feel pressure if I waste a day and accomplish nothing.  I suppose I figure I blew off enough time along life’s way so it’s very hard for me to relax.
 
     Because of this, even though I’d cooked at home while on the computer all day…I’d had enough of being locked up in the house, my husband was at work, so I decided to meet a friend for a margarita and appetizer at a neighborhood Mexican food restaurant.  Of course, after I get there, she got a better offer and ditched me.  Being an adult, I decided I could sit alone with my thoughts and people watch for 30 minutes or so.
     It was nice to get out, but as I began to look at the menu, two people came and sat at the bar next to me.  
 
     I’d initially assumed they were together, so I offered to move so they could sit together, at which point the young woman tells me she is alone, and actually doesn’t know the man who came in and sat on the other side of me.
 
     I was not in the mood to chit chat with strangers, so I kept staring at my phone and tinkering with it.  Oh but wow…she wouldn’t stop talking to herself, me, and the guy next to me.
     He was actually kind of big and hot…let’s called him “Beefcake Guy.”  He kept looking at me confused, wondering why she kept talking to him.  This prompted him to look at me, as if she was my personal sidekick and responsibility.  He was begging me with his eyes to get her to stop talking.  So I explained that I didn’t know her either.  She continued talking with us as if we did  know her.
 
The Stripper and The Beefcake, Luxor Living and Style, Pure Speculation Series on Love
 
   
     This girl looked to be about 25, had jet black dyed hair, a solid country twang in her voice, and a tiny hole in her face where a facial piercing should be.  She had a mean, hard look but as I heard her speak, I realized she was just lonely, sweet, and very happy and was out celebrating alone because she was excited over getting a new job “her first one that didn’t involve stripping.”  
 
   The handsome “beefcake” guy and I looked at each other in amazement that this girl had no filter, so we gave up on keeping up our invisible wall and entered into a full blown conversation with her.
   
     If you knew me personally, you’d know that I love doing my own social research and often times I quiz people I meet on the topic of their life.  It’s interesting to me to see what people think, how they got to where they are, and what is there to be learned from each person’s experience. I can’t help it.  I usually leave a conversation with people being amazed that they told me everything and that I bothered to ask them about themselves in the first place.  
 
     After leaving a conversation with an individual, whether their personal life experience has been good or bad, I find there’s always something to be learned. Always. You can learn more from people’s mistakes than from their accomplishments often times.
 
     “Stripper Girl” was so excited about her new little job at an Optician’s office, that she was buying herself shots left and right.  The drinks were called a “Brain Hemorrhage.”  Classy.
 
     Of course I had to ask her how she got into stripping in the first place. She was more than happy to tell her tale and got pretty graphic over the next hour while enlightening me on the low points of stripper life.
      She was low on cash years earlier, and her rent was due.  She was talking to her mother about her financial crisis, so her mom told her that stripping was the only way to get quick cash.  It turned out that her mother and grandmother had both been strippers.  She had no father figure.  He dad was a distant memory from her childhood.  This prompted me to ask her about boyfriends, and of course her expectations of men were so low from growing up and watching her mom and grandmother… so all of her boyfriends output was low.  She accepted bad behavior not being aware that she should expect more.
 
    The girl was very clear on how she got to where she was and realized that her upbringing had a negative impact on her life.  She now had a small child to take care of, a crappy string of boyfriends who lived off of her and was trying to build a new life.  She explained in detail how much she hated stripping and the men she would meet, but felt financially compelled to continue the lifestyle. She explained what I’d always thought to be true…the big money is always made in the back rooms.  She went into detail.
 
     The break came for her, when her distant father passed away 6 months prior, leaving her as the beneficiary of his life insurance policy, which put $75,000 in her hand.  She paid cash for a mobile home, quit stripping and feels like she’s on her way to a brighter path. I found an opportunity to be encouraging to my fellow woman although to be honest, there comes a point where your upbringing will hold you back and a person will forever be limited – to some degree, by that upbringing.
 
     In between the highly graphic tales of stripper life, including many back room sexual encounters with paying clients… “Beefcake Guy” also began telling his tales.  
 
     This guy was buff, tall, good looking and shy.  As he was ordering his food to go, the girl let me know she was interested in him, but he clearly wasn’t going to have any part of that nonsense, she she’d given up.
 
     “Beefcake Guy” explained he was only ordering food to go home, because he’d “just left the gym” and had a black tie event to go to the next evening with his girlfriend.
 
     I asked him how long he’d been with her, since he was already volunteering unsolicited information.  Beef said he’d been with her 3 months, and that (here it comes ladies….listen up) she’d already been telling him that she loved him.
 
     I’d wanted to prove my previous studies to be right, so I asked him if he also loved her.  He just looked at me with his mouth hanging open, then looked down and said , “No.”
 
     “I didn’t figure you did,” I replied. He asked me how I knew.  I explained to Beef, that most all men do not fall in love prior to the first 6 months. Period. He had been so disappointed in himself, because he’d wanted to love her but it just wasn’t there for him. Yet.  
 
     “But she’s a really nice person,” he explained.  
 
     Here’s what I can surmise.  Women jump in the sack, spend the night over and over, and bond.  Men, however, will let you jump in their sack, spend the night over and over, and eventually hope that feelings will follow. Actually, men will not fall any faster by you jumping in the sack. They will, however,pretend, as Beef was doing.
 
     “So what do you do?  Just lie and tell her you love her back?” I asked.  His answer was along the lines of, “Yes.  She is a nice person. “
 
     Beef showed me a photo of the 30 year old school teacher he was dating.  She was recently divorced, with a 3 year old child.  She was attractive and did look like a nice person.  Beef was 41, and had never been married.  He had a fabulous job as a medical supply rep and was seemingly intelligent.  His reasoning for his continual singledom was simple,  the women all move to fast, the relationship plays out, then he ends it due to lack of feelings.  He sort of had “Clooney Attachment Disorder” in a way.  He claimed he doesn’t cheat while with a woman. One at a time was his policy.  He just rides it out until he’s done and ends it. 
 
      He confirmed for me what I already knew, which was that women do not give men the time they need to love them back.  They are so pressured by your never ending existence, there’s no chance for him to see how he feels when you are gone. They need time to miss you.
      Talking to him reminded me of a college girl that worked for me years ago.  She was beautiful and sweet.  However, she would meet a guy over the weekend, and be sleeping at his house and never going home within a few days, and her relationships never lasted more than a month.
 
     This was an action packed hour of my life with emoticons all over the room.  I felt compelled to make these two people my friends and switch information with them both, but there was so much therapy packed into that one hour, I was emotionally drained.  I’d oozed compassion and understanding for both of them, in their very different circumstances. He was unhappy, she was hopeful, and I got to go back…well run back to the safety and security of my own life and realized I have it pretty great.  
 
     What I took away from this odd evening was this… give of yourself to others, let them talk and try to listen and care.  Everyone wants love and a good life. People want to feel love …yes, even hot bachelors that jump from woman to woman, it just takes them longer to ever get on board!
-SDS
-March 2, 2014
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PURE SPECULATION SERIES: BALD GUYS ARE HOT

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pure speculation

This post stems from a recent conversation with a single male, who shall remain nameless, in which I was forced (once again) to have a lengthy conversation about his hair style and the fact that he is follicly challenged.


     He doesn’t listen. Ever. To anyone. About anything…but will then creep around a few years later and always then see that I was right. About everything. All the time.  With this in mind, I decided to see what research there was out there on bald men and the perception of such specimens by the general population of women.

     I already knew what I thought, and the data from the studies I read, prove my thoughts on the issue of bald men to be accurate…they are hot!

     Studies show that men who shave their heads are perceived as taller, stronger, more dominant and masculine as well as having more leadership potential.

     Alfred Mannes, a researcher at the University of Pennsylvania, published the findings of his hair/no hair study in an article for the Journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science.

     Basically, if your hair is sparse, it is better to shave it off than to deal with sparse sprigs that only prove to counterbalance the appearance of masculinity.

     The only one who is obsessing about your hair loss, is you because the main physical attributes the rest of us care about is a handsome face, a good build, personality, strength, etc.  I can’t find one study or poll that indicates that hair is of significance.  Not only that, bald seems to be considered as a power trait. Think of the term…putting lipstick on a pig.  

      This is sort of funny, but about six months ago, an English man came to check on a rent house of mine.  I took a chance on safety and met him alone at the vacant home.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I never see a man that really moves me.  But this fit, trim, bald guy in a suit with an English accent was totally, breathlessly hot! When I asked him where his accent was from…he said “heaven.” LOL! Anyway, the point is, I checked him out online to see if he was an ax murderer or if anything he said was true, and I can across a photo of him with hair.  It ruined the effect.  He was way hotter without the hair!  My husband and I laughed about this for weeks and we referred to the man as James Bond forever more! (and I also don’t show houses to single men alone!)

                                                If you are a jerk in your 30’s that lives with your parents and has a beer gut…it doesn’t matter how much great,thick, wavy hair you have.  You’re still a jerk in your 30’s that lives with your parents and sucks.

     We actually rented a movie last night which was wonderful until the terribly unsatisfying ending…and throughout the entire film I personally found the bald villain to be more attractive than the hero

and lead actor who had a head full of hair.  His name is Mark Strong, and the movie was called Welcome To The Punch and I included him here! Upon Googling him, I’d found that he’d been in a lot of other movies – but with hair, so I never noticed him before.

     In 2010, GQ Magazine even came out with their list of the Top 100 Most Powerful Bald Men in America.

     So, in closing, if a fabulous man has fabulous hair…then this is a good thing. 

     However, if a fabulous man has a shaved head due to crappy follicular behavior…shaving it can enhance, not take away from his appearance and masculinity as much as a pathetic attempt to continue fighting your thinning sprigs to cover your cue.


 Can I get an Amen!?

–July 27, 2013

-SDS

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