Our Three Year Anniversary
This past week marked the third year since our wedding. It occurred to me, that it feels like many more years than it actually has been when a friend of his brought it up to me the other day, “Hey, Ken told me this week is your anniversary! So, how many years is it?”
“Well, it’s only been three but it feels like many, many more!” I’d replied. “Oh no. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” he’d asked.
“A little of both.” I’d answered. “On one hand, it’s fabulous because we are so completely fused together. I feel like only a half a person when he’s not with me. I feel like I was never married before because there was no real and deep connection like the one I have with him. It’s sad that you just don’t ever realize how shitty a relationship actually is, until life forces you to move on to something better.”
He went on to ask what the bad part was, at which point I reminded him of the hard times we had right after marrying, due to an extremely severe financial loss my husband had within the first 6 months of getting married. He knew the whole story already about that drama and how hard it was.
The whole issue was hard, not because of sudden financial trauma, but it was especially difficult because of the emotional toll it took on my husband, to have been stolen from by a long time friend. The feelings of shame for not being able to see the person for who they really were, the embarrassment for not being able to detect the constant lies. The hell of knowing if you had only listened to your wife in the first place, you would have never trusted this person and could have saved both of you tons of sleepless nights and grief. Oh, and of course 3/4 of your money being gone. Of course, with that, comes depression. Ugh.
The good part, is that this situation forced our bond to grow to superior degrees. Rebuilding our lives, changing the game plan and growing together financially helped us to begin working together financially instead of him feeling like he was the decision maker in all things because he was the money man in the relationship.
In marriage, all financial matters need to be made together, period. The reason being… if one of you makes a terrible financial mistake, the other person is along for a ride they did not sign up for. It creates joint responsibility if there are discussions beforehand. I actually heard financial guru Dave Ramsey telling a listener on his radio program the other day the same thing. Dave claimed that although his wife had been a stay at home mom and homemaker for over 22 years, he still consulted with her on everything financial.
This is a point that my new husband had to learn the hard way. He felt that he could do whatever business ventures that he wanted with his “friend” because the money he was using “was his own.” He learned. Unfortunately, I was along for the ride.
Again, the entire circumstance was painful and stole precious time and energy from our lives, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
As far as our marriage feeling like forever, it does, but in a good way, as well. One of the main things that promotes this euphoric feeling and connection is that we share the same faith. We agree 100% on everything as far as our religion goes. That being said, we have no religion. We believe in the written Word, that is The Bible and everything it states has happened and will happen, everything it says on how we are to live our lives, treat others, deal with problems and more importantly…believe and accept. It’s a handbook for every aspect of your life. Are we perfect? Nope. (Especially him!) That’s not what a Christian is. A Christian is a Christ follower, a believer of His Word and a deep desire in your belly to aspire to become a better person because of your belief and because of your love for those around you and God.
The people I know that stand firm in their “religion” usually know the least amount about the particulars of that religion and absolutely nothing about the Bible and that’s the main thing your Christianity should be drawn from.
Additionally, today on The Talk, the ladies group was mentioning a study about having either a happy marriage or a happy sex life. The study supposedly proved that it was impossible to have both. Basically it stated that rough, cavemen types were the better sex partners and the sensitive and caring types usually were no bueno in the sack. So choose carefully, because you can’t have it all, according to this new study. To that, I say, whatever. We actually were home together, when this show came on and we laughed so hard. I actually have a caring and sensitive caveman.
Again, I was married before. Once for 11 years, which was an
acceptable-ish relationship and another time for 6 painful, exasperating and worthless years. Now, it’s like they never happened. The cumulative negative issues in both relationships were three main things, which we choose to focus on in this marriage so that we can remain happy and fulfilled with each other and ourselves. Our three main areas of focus, here, at the three year mark, are God first in a sexual wonderland for each other and a financial plan of agreement. Sexual issues and terrible finances are the kiss of death for most marriages, and many a faulty marriage has been rekindled and saved through the bond of discovering God’s word and desire for your life, together.
Three years, and yes, I want to absolutely kill him sometimes. Actually, the real fantasy for me during those times he makes me crazy mad, is to sell everything, pack up and move to Laguna to start my what-I -assume-will-be-fabulous new life. However, with a steady focus on our top three areas, this one is looking like a keeper and as I always say, if I were to die tomorrow, at least I was finally madly, truly, deeply loved.
-SDS
-April 17, 2014
