what do you think… SHOULD M
This blog post stemmed from a conversation I had with friends last week about the big debate as to whether or not married couples should share a Facebook page.
The different feelings that my friends had on this topic were expected, depending on the type of person they were. Passive, head in the sand, don’t ask don’t tell types… of course didn’t want to see the benefits of such a move. On the other hand…naturally jealous types thought it was a good idea. These were not the kinds of answers I’d wanted.
I supposed I’d wanted people to remove the emotion from the debate, look at the realistic benefits from such a Facebook union, and decide that even though it was quite possibly not needed in each of their cases at this present time due to overwhelming trust in their mates…I still felt they were missing the bigger picture.
Looking strictly at the facts, research shows that Facebook is linked to more and more divorces, period. It’s not that Facebook is an evil device set out to destroy relationships, it’s more the issue that people just suck and relationships are hard. In light of that reality, perhaps it is best to join as a united front and present your union to the world.
In my case, my husband is not a huge fan of social media. I opened his personal Facebook account, initially, so that he could operate a business Page from it and help keep in touch with his clients and share events.
He was not ever thrilled with the idea of his face and personal information being all over the internet, and still isn’t, but he sees the necessity in networking for business purposes. I love this about him.
Once, shortly after I first set up the pages for him on Facebook, a woman sent him a private message. She’d sent a few messages asking him how his life was, whether or not he was married, did she she him on a television commercial a zillion years ago, etc.
After finally remembering who she was, and that she was a girlfriend from ions ago… he told her that it wasn’t appropriate for them to be talking privately on line, and he asked her to no longer message him. To be honest, it sort of freaked him out that a woman from a zillion years ago would bother to punch his name into the computer and seek him out. What I’d noticed, was that she lived close by, she claimed to be happily married and that she only wanted to be friends. Hmmm. Of course, he may have reacted differently if Sofia Vegara or anyone even closely resembling her happened to contact him!
My friend Jason recently got a message from an old girlfriend. As we wondered what the true intent of her phone call was, we arrived at only two scenarios. He thought about it a minute and made me laugh so hard when he declared, “Well, basically an ex only wants two things when they look you up again after a long time. Either they are interested and curious and have you on their mind or they actually are happy in their life, lost 100 pounds and want to show you how happy and fabulous their life is.(This is the passive-aggressive eat shit and die scenario.)
As for me, my husband is very not jealous at all. I have actually had a few men from the past attempt to contact me over the years. I tell him about each one. He asks me if I am going to run away with them. I say no, not at this juncture. He laughs, and that’s it.
The point is, no one really cares if you are married or not, because as we all know… how married are you is variable depending upon the bait and there is also the old saying of… if a person is going to cheat, then they are going to cheat. It’s not about that. I am talking about treating your marriage like a living, breathing entity worthy of respect.
I first got the notion about joint Facebook pages with your spouse, because of a woman I met. As I was doing her makeup for a photo shoot, she was telling me about her life. Eventually, she gets out her phone, shows me a photo of her husband, that she was so proud of, and asked to connect with me on social media.
I noticed later on, that she and her husband had a joint Facebook page. At first, I thought it was weird. Over time I began to see that it was an act of respect. When you are married, you are supposed to hold it up in high regard. Cut off possible issues at the pass. Not have a bullpen waiting to go in case things go south and new players will be needed in the game of life. You are supposed to be married as if it will be forever if you want the possibility of forever to be a reality. Disclaimer;I am guilty of always planning an escape route because I have been divorced before so it is hard to think in terms of forever. You can plan for forever all day long, but you never know what the other person will do, so I have tendencies towards always thinking in terms of what if?
I remember hearing of Sandra Bullock’s drama in which her husband, Jesse James, cheated on her with multiple women he’d initially met on social media. Sandra’s spouse had reportedly done what most cheating men do, which is tell the third party, “Oh the marriage is a sham, we are not really still together, we are separated, ” etc. In her case, her husband was a sex addict, of which she was not aware, so he was going to cheat no matter what, however, social media played a part and helped to facilitate ease of connection. I can easily identify with Sandy’s situation, because I was married once to a man who hit on a waitress once and got her number, while I sat at our table ordering Sunday brunch. I later found out that he told her we were there meeting for lunch to discuss our pending “divorce.” The point is, I see how a couple can be married but one partner creates an appearance of “well, we are together, but not really.”
Because of people being so tricky, I always warn friends who are meeting men with supposedly NO Facebook account. Generally, this means the person is in hiding and is an internet “ghost” due to past drama. Facebook has a way of “outing” you as being in a relationship, real or otherwise. I tell single people all the time, ” Do you think you should be getting naked and rubbing all over some man that doesn’t even have you listed as a Facebook “friend?” That’s just stupid.
It happens to unsuspecting partners every day of the week. I know of married couples that are not even friends with each other on Facebook. Married couples who do not have a “married to so-and-so” status declaration. There are also many women I know who are dating and having sex with guys that they are not even friends with yet on Facebook. (You know who you are.) Obviously, you are willing to accept crumbs if you do not even get validated by being on a man’s friends list before getting naked with him. The issue here, is that you do not know a person, until they are willing to really let you into their digital world, but that’s a whole other facet to social media etiquette.
Due to having a few business pages on Facebook, we will probably keep everything as it is, since we bother have access to everything anyway. Our plan is to be married forever,and doing whatever it takes to make that happen, if we can manage this with out me killing him first.
As for couples just getting married, I think it’s a great idea to have a conjoined Facebook account. It certainly tells the world that you are a unit and together and certainly would thwart off unwarranted inappropriate contact with people of the opposite sex. This isn’t a step for you, you say? You don’t need or want to share passwords or join accounts? Well, recent research states that 22% of women admit to being unhappily married and in a sexless marriage. What this means to me, is that their husbands are having sex with other people.
Research indicates that cheating statistics rise every single year. My feeling is that the internet is a facilitator. About 70% of married men and 60% of married women admit to having cheated on their spouse. The main reason cited? Being unhappy sexually. So basically half of us are at risk. By these numbers, one could assume that if you are not cheating, then your partner has or is.
Men basically cheat for one of two reasons. Either he is unhappy sexually in his marriage or he is unhappy and has esteem issues with himself which can manifest and present itself as a sexual addiction, at which point nothing you can do will heal this person, the issue is within them. Either way, having a firm handle on each other’s electronic identity is surely a plus. If your mate refuses to share his pass codes with you or join accounts, then Houston, you have a problem. Two thirds of women do not ever know they have been cheated on.
I’ve always had a deep passion for psychology and relationship studies. My husband and I have both learned from divorce, so we try to make a conscious effort to avoid potential problems this time around. We have our status as “married” so if Chris Hemsworth looks me up and wants a date, he will find that I am taken.
I have a short fuse, will not tolerate any dysfunction or insanity, that has been made clear and my boundaries of acceptance have been declared. I’ve been cheated on previously by a partner, so I know that of which I speak. We refuse to become one of those couples that sleeps in separate bedroom, vacations without each othe, has disconnected social media accounts or lives in a sexless marriage. We want passion. Period. When it comes to Facebook…it’s the new relationship identification card to the world, so I say, if you are married,empower yourself and control the social media in your household. Make a decision to conjoin 100%, and yes, even your social media passwords. To love totally is a decision.
What do you think? Live and let live? Let the chips fall where they may? Your comments are welcome!
-SDS
-April 30, 2014
